The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
