Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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