my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
