I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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