I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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