my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
