how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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