please come you make the beer taste better
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
