I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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