the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
