i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
