I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
