I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
