put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
