You just made me feel so damn special
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
