She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
