So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
