just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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