dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
