your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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