dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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