My first STD was from a foam party
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
