I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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