you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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