We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
