Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
