did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
