My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
