Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
