I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
