Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize