Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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