god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
