Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
