Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
