Your face is a jimmy john
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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