i don't like sucking hair
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
