I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
