I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
