Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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