just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
