There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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