When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
