i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
