i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm too high and old for this...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
