I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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