You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
