He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
