my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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