I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
