Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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