I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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