So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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