Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I could make wine with my vomit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
