I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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