i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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