dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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