Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
then he tried to convert me to islam
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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