I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
