I need help removing her.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
