I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
