and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize