FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
