I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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