How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
