Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
