Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
