I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
