My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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