Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
are you so shy because you have an std?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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