So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
