woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
